we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you had me at cake vodka
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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