Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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