You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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