I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
