i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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