NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
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I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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