Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
