So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Alive.
So much puke
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
