i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
