could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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