The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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