Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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