Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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