so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
