I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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