I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
