I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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