I'm going to jail i love you
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
