New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
