nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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