see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
