if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
