PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
