it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
