My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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