The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
