I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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