I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
