I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
