woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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