Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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