Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
