Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry