great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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