So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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