The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
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Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
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I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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