Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
