I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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