My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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