i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Randomize
