Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
