I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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