You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
