R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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