I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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