I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
