so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
