This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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