she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
