The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize