we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
