And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
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We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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