Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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