found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
