Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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