I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
