i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
