My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
