My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
