I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
