i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
